Author Archives: Jen

Stack the Wreck

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Helen Keller once said,

“The best way out is always through.”

Which is fabulous advice pretty much any time you’re not constructing a multi-tier wedding cake.

Cake Construction: You’re Doing it Wrong.

Let’s go in for a closer look, shall we?

Wow. You know, no matter how contrite the baker might have been, I have to say: those really are the tiers of a clown.

[Bah dum CHA]

Thank you. Thankyouverramuuuch.

Thanks also to Holly M. for putting the “holey” in “Holey wedding cake with big gaping holes in it, Batman!”

It’s TOO DARN HOT

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If you’re not one of the people complaining about the heat right now, then you’re one of the people complaining about the people complaining about the heat.

Either way, we all have the same problem:

Bad bikini cakes.

Yep, this record-breaking heat wave has clearly addled bakers’ brains, my friends, and the results simply aren’t pretty.

Unless maybe you’re looking for two trees in a Seuss-ian landscape.

Er…

[head tilt]

Naaaah.

Whoah. It’s like I can’t even see the tomato soup skin!

[singing] The hills are ALIIIIVE…

With butterfly CENsor dots!

No, wait. I have a better song.

(Ahem hem hem.)

From the MOUNT-ains,

To the VAL-leys,

To the OH-shoot!

Is that a THOOOOONG?

GOOOOOD bless America!

My…

Oooohhh soooo wroooong!

Thanks to Heather R., Melissa D., Heather H., Ellen G., & Ginny, who will never look at a heart cookie the same way again.

Cake Wrecks: The People’s Court Edition

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Guys, I get a lot of wreck reactions via e-mail. I’ve seen multi-page rants IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS from bridezillas, blistering sarcasm from disappointed parents, and more “LOL“s than I can count. I’ve even known one or two brides who had to take their bakers to court to get a refund.

However.

I’ve never – ever – seen someone sue a baker for over $4,300 over a misspelled name on a $55 cake.

UNTIL NOW.

If you can’t see the video because you’re at work, count yourself lucky. Frankly, I was ready to bash my own head in after the first three minutes. That lady gives crazy a bad name.

Oh, and here’s the wreck in question – or at least part of it:


The judge reads the baker the riot act over the cracks in the icing, but also points out to the mom that if you saddle your child with a ridiculously spelled name (it’s pronounced “Kiesha” but spelled “Keshia“) then you pretty much have to expect people to screw it up for her entire lifetime. And so stop sweating the small stuff already.

Good advice all ’round, wouldn’t you say?

Oh, and if *I* were that baker, I think I’d have replaced the cake with something a little more appropriate:

:D

(Then I’d direct Ms. Crazy Pants to this blog for an eye-opening dose of perspective.)

Thanks to Kathy D. and David S., who are consulting their lawyers. So watch out, moms.

Cake Wrecks: The People’s Court Edition

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Guys, I get a lot of wreck reactions via e-mail. I’ve seen multi-page rants IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS from bridezillas, blistering sarcasm from disappointed parents, and more “LOL“s than I can count. I’ve even known one or two brides who had to take their bakers to court to get a refund.

However.

I’ve never – ever – seen someone sue a baker for over $4,300 over a misspelled name on a $55 cake.

UNTIL NOW.

If you can’t see the video because you’re at work, count yourself lucky. Frankly, I was ready to bash my own head in after the first three minutes. That lady gives crazy a bad name.

Oh, and here’s the wreck in question – or at least part of it:


The judge reads the baker the riot act over the cracks in the icing, but also points out to the mom that if you saddle your child with a ridiculously spelled name (it’s pronounced “Kiesha” but spelled “Keshia“) then you pretty much have to expect people to screw it up for her entire lifetime. And so stop sweating the small stuff already.

Good advice all ’round, wouldn’t you say?

Oh, and if *I* were that baker, I think I’d have replaced the cake with something a little more appropriate:

:D

(Then I’d direct Ms. Crazy Pants to this blog for an eye-opening dose of perspective.)

Thanks to Kathy D. and David S., who are consulting their lawyers. So watch out, moms.

Homophoned In

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Here’s one way to tell if a cake order was made over the phone:

Followed by a three hour tour?

[For the record, that joke makes me feel reeeeally old.]

John and I just sat here saying the words “our” and “are” ad nauseam. We sounded a lot like the seagulls in Finding Nemo: “Our? Are? Hour? R? Arr?”

Still, I take comfort in knowing you’re all doing the exact same thing.

Now this one made us sound like the Count from Sesame Street. Which is to say, AWESOME.
In fact, from now on, I’m always pronouncing “welcome” like “wheeel come.”

Sometimes a cake makes you wonder about its back story…

…but the good news is Sam actually didn’t give a flying crap.

And finally, here’s a girl with a need for speed:

Yep. Rose really likes to put the petal to the medal.


Thanks to Rachel N., Sarah D., Scot N., Kelly R., F.F., & Jon A., who only caught that last line because they’ve had their coffee. Good work, guys.

Homophoned In

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Here’s one way to tell if a cake order was made over the phone:

Followed by a three hour tour?

[For the record, that joke makes me feel reeeeally old.]

John and I just sat here saying the words “our” and “are” ad nauseam. We sounded a lot like the seagulls in Finding Nemo: “Our? Are? Hour? R? Arr?”

Still, I take comfort in knowing you’re all doing the exact same thing.

Now this one made us sound like the Count from Sesame Street. Which is to say, AWESOME.
In fact, from now on, I’m always pronouncing “welcome” like “wheeel come.”

Sometimes a cake makes you wonder about its back story…

…but the good news is Sam actually didn’t give a flying crap.

And finally, here’s a girl with a need for speed:

Yep. Rose really likes to put the petal to the medal.


Thanks to Rachel N., Sarah D., Scot N., Kelly R., F.F., & Jon A., who only caught that last line because they’ve had their coffee. Good work, guys.

Sunday Sweets: Harry’s Sweet Send-Off

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Though the movie premiered last weekend, Potter Mania is still going strong here at the Yates household. I finished up John’s custom carved wand display a few days ago, and we’ve been having a blast searching and sorting through all the Sweets flooding our inbox.

So, without further ado, here are the rest of the best of the best Potter cakes! (Oh, and if you missed the first half, click here.)

First, a magically delicious monster book of monsters:

Have I mentioned that I’d like one of those displayed in my office, too?


This one is like an edible still-life; I had to do a double take before I realized it was cake:

By Cake Central member Goonergirl

Even more I-can’t-believe-it’s-cake:

The lightning bolt font is especially…striking.

[bah-dum-CHA!]

Artisan Cake Company also made the best edible golden snitches:

They’re chocolate truffles, and I totally want to make some. Hit the link above for instructions.
More adorable cupcakes:

For those of you who believe it’s the inside that counts, Darla over at Bakingdom did a fantastic house colors cake:

By Bakingdom

Hit the link to see how she did it.

I featured an amazing replica of Hagrid’s hut last week, but here’s one more:

By Cake Central member PennieK

Ah – wait for it – MAZING.

And here’s another jaw-dropping Sorting Hat, too:

Submitted by Jessica W. and made by Highland Bakery

Complete with a hand painted Hogwarts Express on the bottom tier. BRILLIANT!

From hand painted to hand sculpted:

Submitted by Ellen B. and made by The Sugarcraft Emporium

This Hogwarts Express cake includes the entire platform!

Simply adorable:

I like how the striped board looks like Harry’s scarf. Clever!
Another cool design:

Charm City Cakes (aka Ace of Cakes) again did a castle cake for the movie premier, but this time it was the battle-scarred Hogwarts:

Submitted by Emily J. and made by Charm City Cakes

Turn out the lights, and you’ll see their creation really shine:

…and smoke. Wow.


Well, there you have it, fellow muggles! Hope you enjoyed this ridiculously long Potter Sweets feature. Now I’m off to collapse.

Happy Sunday!

Have a Sweet to nominate? Then send it to Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com.

The Search for the World’s Most Disturbing Shower Cake ENDS HERE

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You know how I’m always telling you baby butt cakes could be so much worse?
Things are about to get so much worse.

Heads up!

Wow. This is so stinkin’ sexy, I almost didn’t even notice the outie belly button.

Because fetus cookies are SO last year:

Goes great with mother’s milk.

And lots of screaming.

Proving once again that bakers are takings posts on this blog as inspiration:

I’m torn (ha! Ew.) between asking what that gray pouch thing hanging out is and desperately, desperately, not wanting to know. In fact, know what? Don’t tell me. I’m never having kids, so knowing what the inner lining’s poop chute or whatever looks like is just one of those things I never need to know. Seriously. Leave me to my blissful ignorance.

And finally, look. I realize that a lot of talent was required to make some of these wrecks – I do! However, no amount of talent will ever make any part of this look yummy to me:

In fact, you could say the amount of talent a baker has when making a placenta has an inverse reaction to how much I want to eat said placenta.

Or, in other words:

SWEET BETTY CROCKER I AM NEVER EATING AGAIN.

Thanks to Matt R., Sarah M., Carl G., & Heather A. for today’s gut-busters. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to skip lunch.

The Search for the World’s Most Disturbing Shower Cake ENDS HERE

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You know how I’m always telling you baby butt cakes could be so much worse?
Things are about to get so much worse.

Heads up!

Wow. This is so stinkin’ sexy, I almost didn’t even notice the outie belly button.

Because fetus cookies are SO last year:

Goes great with mother’s milk.

And lots of screaming.

Proving once again that bakers are takings posts on this blog as inspiration:

I’m torn (ha! Ew.) between asking what that gray pouch thing hanging out is and desperately, desperately, not wanting to know. In fact, know what? Don’t tell me. I’m never having kids, so knowing what the inner lining’s poop chute or whatever looks like is just one of those things I never need to know. Seriously. Leave me to my blissful ignorance.

And finally, look. I realize that a lot of talent was required to make some of these wrecks – I do! However, no amount of talent will ever make any part of this look yummy to me:

In fact, you could say the amount of talent a baker has when making a placenta has an inverse reaction to how much I want to eat said placenta.

Or, in other words:

SWEET BETTY CROCKER I AM NEVER EATING AGAIN.

Thanks to Matt R., Sarah M., Carl G., & Heather A. for today’s gut-busters. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to skip lunch.